Last spring, Amy Chyan and her parents went on a “bucket list” trip to Asia, including a return to China’s Yunnan province, where her father was born. Her role, as their millennial daughter, was “fixer, chaperone, luggage hauler, tech person,” the latter key given how much travel is digitized now. A classic case of parenting your parents.
“I felt like I was the ‘airport dad’ on the trip, making sure we had the various documents, passports, visas,” said Chyan. “I was also in charge of grabbing bottled water from convenience stores, doing laundry, any heavy lifting or chores.”
Chyan, a journalist, shared short films of the trip on Instagram; in one caption she half-joked that travelling with aging parents was sort of like travelling with toddlers. “It takes more time and patience,” she wrote. “You have to be prepared with a mommy bag, although I guess in this case it’s the ‘first born daughter bag’ that carries everything you need.”
In another post, she wrote: “It was bound to happen: Tantrums,” telling the story of her dad getting upset over saving a few bucks on a cab fare, an outburst that proved to actually be about the way his backpack was hurting his lower back. “[My parents] survived wars, lived through tragedies and buried a lot of emotional scars,” Chyan continued. “They don’t communicate with feelings, and never learned how to express their needs.” Being the person tasked with navigating all of that was “frustrating”—and a real role reversal.
The trip, special and bonding as it was, made Chyan realize how much her parents were slowing down. “Even if there aren’t major medical issues, an aging body is still slowly breaking down.” She helps on that front too, keeping a calendar of their appointments, ordering Uber XLs to get them there (easier for them to get in and out of the car), following up on test results and translating the information for them.
There’s an emotional toll to watching people you love get older and need more help. “It’s sad because you can’t control it. No one can,” said Chyan. “It makes me want to take advantage of the time we have left together.”
Loneliness is common for caregivers
Chyan’s story isn’t uncommon. Of the four million caregivers in Ontario, the largest category is the Sandwich Generation, people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s who find themselves looking after their parents and their own children simultaneously.
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“We certainly see evidence that people are struggling with this,” said Amy Coupal, CEO of The Ontario Caregiver Organization. “We see increases in loneliness, isolation, overwhelm, depression, feeling tired, feeling resentful.” A sense of guilt often accompanies these feelings, which is why OCO offers programs and resources designed to create healthy outlets for those emotions.
One of the biggest causes of distress is the shift that occurs when you, as the child of the family, suddenly find your parents looking to you for support.
Coupal was in her thirties when her mother required palliative care for cancer. “I remember a family friend said to me, ‘You are the parent now,’” she said. “I was so taken aback, because I still saw myself in the role of the daughter.”
That can be disorienting, especially if it’s not something you’d feel comfortable bringing up over Friday night pizza with friends—or if your care responsibilities mean you don’t have much time to go out anymore.
“Loneliness is such a significant component of caregiving,” said Coupal. “Four million people [in Ontario] are doing this. We need to normalize it in our communities and social groups, and recognize that people are doing it, often really quietly.”
Caregiver burnout, too, is a growing problem. In OCO’s 2023 report, 67 per cent of carers said: “I’ve reached my breaking point and I have no choice but to keep going.”
“It’s very real,” said Megan Hebdon, an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin. In her research into family caregiving and Millennial carers, the phrase “stretched thin” comes up frequently. “People feel really torn among all of their responsibilities, and they feel like they don’t have enough time for themselves,” she said. “They are pulled in all the directions, and eventually when you’re stretched that far, it’s hard not to break.” This can affect career progression, romantic relationships and friendships.
It’s also a risk to the carer’s health. There’s a direct relationship between caregiver burden and anxiety and depression, and Hebdon said studies have connected it to a higher rate of mortality, heart disease and auto-immune conditions.
Younger people may have difficulty self-identifying as caregivers
Hebdon has personal experience with this. Alongside raising three children who have chronic health conditions, she is caring for her father who has dementia. “I have three auto-immune conditions that have all developed post-having my children and navigating chronic health issues with them,” she said. “It all develops that allostatic load of stress, and your body is only prepared to handle so much.”
One of the most common sentiments Hebdon has heard from millennial caregivers is a feeling that “they had nowhere to put this.” When she’s conducting her research interviews, people often tell her how nice it is to be in a group of people who are experiencing the same thing they are. “In the past, caregiving has been seen as something you do as an older adult, not something you do in your twenties and thirties,” she said. “There are expectations about what a ‘young worker’ looks like, and that doesn’t include caregiving.”
Another thing that often goes unacknowledged is grief. “There’s grief with death, but there are also grief experiences related to the loss of the person you knew, or the future you had planned,” Hebdon said. “People are navigating all kinds of losses while they’re doing this caregiving work.”
This is a “both and” situation, where you can simultaneously feel grateful for the chance to care for someone you love, while also acknowledging the toll that it takes—and allow yourself to ask for help when you need it. “I really resisted [accessing resources] for my daughter, and when I finally did that, a lot of the stress and burden lifted when I wasn’t doing it all on my own,” said Hebdon. “You’re not failing the person you’re caring for by getting more help. You’re actually increasing the capacity to get it all done.”
For Chyan, caring for her parents as they’re ageing has actually strengthened their relationship. “I’d say it helps you understand each other more. I have more empathy for who they are, what they do, things they say. I feel like we can be equals when we communicate, even though when I said this, my mom was like, ‘Never!’” she said, laughing. “I feel lucky that I can treat them to lunch, bring them the newest bakery treats they wouldn’t buy themselves because they think it’s too expensive. I buy them a gift every time I travel, even if it’s just a bag of Hawaiian macadamia nuts.”
“No salt, for their blood pressure,” she added.
