Q My wife is having an emotional affair. It’s obvious to both me and her sister, to whom I've talked to about it. But my wife is denying it to both of us.
She recently switched from tennis to pickleball with a group of girlfriends. One suggested they get a coach for tips and training. The coach was with them twice a week for a few months, and then the other women thought they were doing fine without him. My wife decided she would get some private lessons.
None of this was a red flag, until the private coaching started happening twice a week, on top of her regular twice-a-week play with the girls. One day I thought I’d surprise her and take her out for dinner as the kids were all busy. I went to watch her session and was shocked at their interaction.
When she saw me in the viewing area the look on her face said it all. I left, drove around and called her sister. She was home when I got there. Her sister came over — they’re very close — and insisted we all talk. My wife denied everything and cried but we don’t believe her.
Now what?
Offended
A Your wife’s relationship with her sister needs to leave your marital home for the time being. This is between you and your wife, though having your sister-in-law’s support is helpful and strengthening.
You and your wife need to talk — alone — about what’s going on. Denying everything isn’t helpful because then nothing changes or gets resolved. You need to decide whether you want to still be married to your wife. If not, then this is your out. If yes, then you need to ask her the same thing.
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Hopefully, with professional help from a marriage counsellor, you two can get past this and dig deeper into your own relationship.
Q My boyfriend broke up with me when he switched universities. He said he didn’t want to have a long-distance relationship and needed to focus on his studies. I was really hurt because I really liked him, and we had been together for our last year of high school and all through our first year of university. But I’m also getting serious about my program and in the back of my mind I knew it was for the best.
That didn’t stop me from feeling completely betrayed when I heard he has a new girlfriend, and that they’ve been together since the summer. She goes to his university and now I can’t help but wonder if he switched because of her and not for his program.
Am I ever going to know the truth?
Done and dumped
A In order to find out the truth, you’d have to spend some time digging. You’d have to speak to people who knew them in the summer, and who were with one or the other to corroborate.
That won’t be a good look for you. The people you ask will probably turn around and tell your ex you’ve been inquiring. You also mentioned you are more focused on your own studies. Make that your priority. What’s done is done. You can’t change the past. And in this instance, knowing the truth isn’t going to change anything. Hold your head up high and move forward.
FEEDBACK Regarding the married woman who had sex with other men (Nov. 15; Jan. 3):
Reader: “You say the woman’s behaviour is wrong in that she is openly cheating on her husband. But in the original column, the woman said her husband knows and isn’t bothered. If he knows and isn’t bothered, then she’s not cheating.
“There are men who allow their wives to have sex with others. I know because I’m one of them. I gave my wife permission 40 years ago after 12 years of marriage and two children. I not only gave her permission, but I also encouraged her. She was not a sexaholic, but she did enjoy the excitement of having sex with seven other men over 16 years. It was never more than three or four times with any of them. It was a big turn-on for me to hear about it when she returned home.
“It’s not for everyone and there are dangers, including disease, pregnancy and your wife potentially falling in love with another man. However, it worked for us. We are now in our late seventies, and our marriage is stronger than ever.”
Lisi: What you do is your business, but if you’re married and having sex with someone else, you are cheating — whether your spouse knows and/or cares.
